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Nobody knows how she did it, or how many "favors" she promised those responsible but today, May 28th, 2015 (my birthday, no less) Lindsay Lohan - for the first day in almost a decade - is no longer on any form of probation. Yup. We truly are living in the Matrix. Lindsay "successfully" completed 125 hours of community service in just 10 days (minus Sundays and this week's holiday.) Who knows how she did it but the court signed off on the hours presented by Lindsay's attorney Shawn Holley today (Lindsay wasn't present because she had somewhere more "important" to be *snicker*.) So as of today, Lindsay and Chris Brown are both now off probation. Bad for society at large but awesome for us gossip bloggers. To quote Robert De Niro in Goodfellas "It's gonna be a good summer."  

From TMZ: Lindsay Lohan has dodged the orange jumpsuit because a judge has signed off on her community service hours, and for the first time in nearly 8 years, she's off probation! Lilo’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, did the honors in court Thursday, getting the word from Hizzoner that Lindsay's in the clear. As we first reported, Lindsay did what we thought was impossible completing 125 hours of community service in what looked like a probationary marathon every day, 8 hours a day, for more than 2 weeks. The stakes were high if Lindsay didn't get the job done, she was probably going to jail. If you’re trying to do the math: Lohan’s probation stemmed from a 2012 reckless driving case where she lied to police, but she’s been on probation since her 2007 run-in with the law for drug possession and DUI that landed her in a Lynwood, Calif. jail for 84 minutes.

If you want to know where Lindsay is right now, she's headed to the first 24 hour bar she can find while the only song you can hear blaring from her ride is Nelly Furtado's "I'm Like a Bird." Look out world. Lindsay's back and she has a lot of partying to catch up on. She'd just better stay away from my birthday party tonight because I'm not in the mood to chase after her to get back all my gifts she'd steal.

Image Courtesy Pacific Coast News

 

You're looking at it. This is what Kylie Jenner did yesterday: Nothing. She did absolutely nothing. So now you know what Kylie Jenner did yesterday. Okay, bye.

Image Courtesy Instagram

 

 

I don't know if you've ever noticed but Jessica Alba is sort of pretty decent looking. No, really, She is. This is why magazines love putting her on their covers. Decent looking people like Jessica tend to sell magazines while not so decent looking people (like Lindsay Lohan) don't. I know. Funny world, ain't it? Jessica appeals to women because she's a hard-working mom who's balancing a career and family life and she appeals to men because - well she just appeals to men because she looks like Jessica Alba and men are simple, shallow creatures. You're welcome, ladies. 

Here is Rita Ora in London yesterday filming her new music video "Poison."  I dunno but it looks to me like Rita forgot something important this morning. Now what was that thing? Was it to call her mom this morning? Did she forget Her hairbrush at the gym? Did she forget to unplug her Keurig brewer before leaving the house? To buy gum? Floss? Shop for dinner? Put gas in the car? Pay her cable bill? Apply sunscreen to her face? Condition her hair? To bring an umbrella in case it rained later? To take out yesterday's trash? You know what it was? I'll bet she forgot to remove the disc she was watching last night from her DVD player. Don't feel embarrassed, Rita. I'm always doing that too.

Image Courtesy Fame/Flynet

 

On Memorial Day, Sarah the stupid Palin tweeted the above photo. That's right. Sarah Palin, one-time American vice-presidential candidate tweeted a photo of her holding a sign that said if you didn't enjoy eating gross, fattening, carb-loaded doughnuts you must be all hatin' 'Murica or some crap. Holy God, even Homer Simpson isn't this friggin' stupid. I can't believe this woman didn't have enough sense to not post this image. But then again, expecting a Palin to have any sense is like expecting a fire hydrant to dispense Grey Goose Vodka. Oh, and Track Palin - fire hydrants DO NOT dispense alcohol. Just thought you'd like to know before ramming into one with your truck while carrying an empty flask.

A month ago, fans weren't certain if they were getting any new episodes of Twin Peaks at all seeing as how that show's creator, David Lynch abruptly quit the upcoming announced season back on Easter Sunday. This after negotiations broke down between Lynch and the Showtime network which will produce and air the series. But just last weekend, like a dwarf dancing towards us to tell us his good news, Lynch announced he was returning to the show and that he would be directing every single episode, including an order for more above the original nine episodes which were announced way back in October.

I never knew Naya Rivera used L'Oreal shampoo but apparently she does. Also, Naya was at the L’Oreal Paris Advanced Haircare #PowerOn event a few weeks ago. But I'm sure that had nothing to do with her placing a bottle of L'Oreal shampoo into her bag, with the label side clearly facing the camera. Naya, aren't you supposed to put items in your bag after you've paid for them? Unless of course you were at a sponsored event thrown by the L'Oreal company and you were invited as a special guest to attend in helping to promote their brand. I suppose then it's okay. And as long as you use their products because you generally feel they are quality products and products which are also affordable for the average consumer. In that case, I don't see anything wrong with you receiving a few freebies. Heck, you always have such beautiful, lustrous hair, I think I might try some of that shampoo. The L'Oreal organization was smart to choose you as a stylish, representative for their company and I'm sure that you've always been extremely loyal to their - wait! What's this? No. Can't be? Naya - is this you promoting the John Frieda collection of hair care products last year? Oh, snap! It was you. Well, Mrs. Rivera, seems like you have some explaining to do. You dirty, lying hair care product cheater person! Honestly, how do you even live with yourself?

Image Courtesy Michael Simon/Startracks Los Angeles

 

Emily Ratajkowski, who has a small role in the upcoming Entourage movie is going to be in a lot of promotional material for that film between now and when it opens next month. I don't know what it is but lately, models are showing up in quite a number of movies. I just saw Rosie Huntington-Whitely in Mad Max and just before that, Cara Delevingne recently starred in...um...something that I didn't see because it wasn't Mad Max. Sorry, Cara. You should have been in Mad Max because Nobody wanted to see your small, independent boring movie. So there!

Feast your gaze upon this, ladies. It's the official poster for this summer's Magic Mike XXL opening in July. Right now I'll bet your mouths are wide open as you stare at Joe Mangeniello's chest - which if you look close (like I need to tell any of you to do that) you can almost make out a smiley face. Or is it a grumpy face? I don't know but can we just agree that it looks like some kind of face? And what is that hand gesture he's making? Is he going "No. No need to ask. My right hand is scratching inside my ass-crack. It's itchy back there." The dude behind him is just pointing at a drone probably. The shaggy haired guy to the far right of him thinks he's Bono the way his arms are in the air like that - and in front of him is Matt Bomer, all chiseled and handsome with perfect hair and teeth and dreamy blue eyes. Pfft. Big deal. When he stands back up his jeans are going to be stained from that dirty floor he's kneeling on and then he'll look like a big slob. Ha-Ha.

And that brings us to Channing Tatum front and center. Nice backwards ball cap, Marky Mark. Is that the Funky Bunch behind you? And dude, where the hell did your left foot go? And how are you even able to stand with your one foot on your tiptoes like that? That must be why you have the same expression on your face as I did when I sprained my ankle while out for a walk one night last summer.

Magic Mike XXL opens July 1st where you can then see all these ripped, fit, bare-chested, muscular hunks who take very good care of their bodies through exercise and strict diets, in HD on a large theater screen. You know what? For supper I ate two bacon barbecue cheeseburgers and a big bowl of fudge-chunk ice cream. I should probably go for a jog or something. Right after my nap. My eight hour nap. Wake me up for breakfast where the menu is greasy sausages and cold pizza! Yum! 

Image Courtesy Warner Bros Pictures.

17 year old Kylie Jenner must really want to look good for high school graduation next year. Or I suppose she would if she went to high school. Do you think Kylie feels like she missed out on something in life by not attending high school like normal girls her age. Perhaps she has at one point but then one night while watching TV, she saw that episode of Boston Public where Marla smacked that one mouthy student across the face who was giving her sass and then Kylie thought all teachers in every school did that so she said "High school not for me, besides, there ain't no nothin' wrong with me literacy." So that was that. Kylie decided to be "home schooled" by her mama Kris and for a special surprise after Kylie finally learned how to spell "D-o-g", Kris took Kylie to get lip injections. Kylie must have learned to spell bigger words like "b-o-o-k", because now young Kylie wants a new nose and new bewbs. I'll bet this is because Kylie and her sister Kendall were booed at the Billboard Music Awards this past weekend and Kylie thought they were booing her because the audience thought her nose was too huge and her boobs were too small. Yeah, that had to be it. Couldn't be for any other reason. A close to the family says "Kylie Jenner is now also looking into breast implants and a nose job.” Hey, that's what I just said! I don't know what to make of this quite frankly. A nose job by itself - okay, fine. I mean it worked out for Jillian Michaels. But a boob job? Does Kylie want to be like Courtney Stodden because that's where she's headed. Besides, Kylie's friend had no problem with the size of her boobs as you can see from this photo of Kylie at Cannes a few nights ago. Oh, wait, sorry. That was Kendall. Well, aren't I the idiot? Shut-up.

Update: Well, looks like Kylie actually secretly had her boobs done months ago. Why that little sneak. See? I'll bet they were a treat from her 25 year old boyfriend Tyga. Who says he's a bad influence on her? Why, years from now, one Christmas morning, while children are opening gifts around the tree, one of those kids will run up to his grandparents and ask, "Grampa Tyga, tell us about the first gift you ever bought for Grandma Kylie."

"Well, grandson, when grandma was 17..."

 Image Courtesy Judy Eddy / WENN

David Letterman has made me laugh more than any other human being alive. This is a man who I have been watching since I was 8 years old. No matter what was going on in my life, I would  turn to Dave most weeknights, the way one might turn to an old friend at the end of the day. Whenever I experienced joy in my life, Dave's face and jokes would make that joy all the more sweeter. When I was going through the worst periods of my life, Dave would take my mind off my troubles and for the first time that day, I would laugh. For 25 years Dave has been a part of my life. Tonight, this will be the first night since 1990, there will never be a new episode of David Letterman for me (or us) to look forward to.

Many, many articles have been written about Dave and his show over the last few months and they all pretty much include the same words: "groundbreaking", "revolutionary", "brilliant," "genius", "pioneer", "trailblazer" and "master". I'm now going to write something about Dave that you won't read in any other article, anywhere: David Letterman changed my life and I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

And now, here is why David Letterman is rightfully referred to as fans and audiences as "The Master." (Warning: These clips are totally NSFW. Well...enjoy!)

Courtesy CBS/Worldwide Pants

"This is what I use on my "boyfriend" when the check doesn't clear right away."

Lindsay Lohan, the 28 year old whose skin resembles worn out shoe leather is spending this week in Brooklyn attempting to whittle down over 100 hours of community service before her May 28th court hearing. So far she still has more than 80 hours to go. In six work days. With Monday being a holiday. Some are speculating it's unlikely she'll finish the required hours on time. Also, there's the fact that I'm pretty certain that instead of doing actual work Lindsay spends 80% of her time in the bathroom crying because instead of partying with Leo and Bradley Cooper at Cannes this week, she's stuck babysitting a bunch of brats at a Brooklyn youth center. Life is really unfair at times, ain't it Linds?

Anyway, The New York Daily News reports that Lindsay is now telling people that if she doesn't finish her hours on time, she's going to pull a Polanski and flee the country. Lindsay's been accused of lots of things but being a genius has never been one of them. 

Lindsay has made it clear to friends and family, if she doesn't get it done, she won't go back to California for her court hearing. She says a very rich friend has a hotel in Monaco and has given her carte blanche to stay indefinitely, and she'll take him up on the offer. Thing is she can't be extradited for a reckless driving misdemeanor, so authorities can't touch her. In the unlikely event she actually completes her community service on time, she says she'll gladly go to court, but then it's definitely off to Monaco for vacation.

Nobody told me Lindsay was such a big Harrison Ford fan that she is considering starring in her own real-life version of The Fugitive. I've always hoped that If Lindsay ever decided to emulate a Harrison Ford movie, she would have chosen The Mosquito Coast - that movie where Ford packed up all his crap, left America for good and moved to the middle of the Cambodian jungle vowing never to return. Lindsay making that movie a reality? Hell, works for me.

Image Courtesy Instagram

 

 

Kendall Jenner is receiving criticism from online tools after she posted this photo to her Instagram page the other day. In the photo, Kendall is wearing a one piece bathing suit for a photo-shoot to which she added the following caption: “Behind the scenes. (yes I gained weight there I said it so u don’t have [to]) Wink," So Kendall attempted a little pre-emptive strike against those who she sensed were going to call her out on her "fat" legs. Well, because she received criticism from those accusing her of "fat-shaming" others (which I don't sense was her intent) and then on the other spectrum she had to deal with idiots calling her legs, well, "fat." That forced her to just name the caption "Behind the scenes." Look, I'm no fan of Kendall Jenner - at all - but if your life is so empty that you have to insult a 17 year old girl when she simply posts a photo of herself on Instagram, maybe you're the one who should re-asses some things. Seriously, dude (and let's face it - it's mostly dudes), what's wrong with you? Do you go to the mall and yell insults at teenage girls there? Do you have sisters? Would you like it if she was being insulted like that while walking home from the movies? No. I don't think so. Yet morons feel it's okay to do this type of thing to young girls online. God, thanks dumb-shits. You just made me stick up for and defend a Jenner girl. I hope you're really proud of yourselves. Here is your punishment. No. Don't whine. You did it to yourselves.

Image Courtesy Instagram

Thursday, 30 July 2015 20:05

Taylor Swift Tops Maxim's 2015 100 Hottest List

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